January 04, 2005
Scarred for Life?
Its days like these when I'm glad that my baby really won't be scarred for life because of my impatience with pain. I'm frustrated with my daily pain. I got a Christmas letter from Dan and Kat Haase and at the bottom of it she quoted from C.S. Lewis' book The Problem of Pain. "The human spirit will not even begin to try to surrender self-will as long as all seems to be well with it...but pain insists upon being attended to." My pain is definitely insisting these days. I guess I'm just sick of it! Am I allowed to say that? I know this is a part of living in a fallen world, but I'm ready for this part of my falleness to be sanctified! I've gone through different phases the last couple of years. Anywhere from feeling depressed about it, to really seeing the good that God brings through it. I think its when I've been out on my own more and not daily surrendering to Jesus that I get down about it. I get my eyes focused only on myself and my limitations; instead of on God, who can truly do all things through me when I run to him. My heart feels stubborn though, really wanting to be able to fix myself, but that just doesn't happen, ever.
God has taught me a lot through having this disease and I know he has a lot more to teach me. Another quote Kat had in her letter from the same book was, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." God has definitely used my disease to open my ears to listen to what he wants to teach me. When I was in college I really wanted to work and couldn't see being a stay at home mom. It wasn't my desire. But when I was working at Esperanza and bearly able to keep my eyes open because of fatigue, I went home. It was such a huge adjustment for me to be home. But over that year God grew the desire in me to be home full time and have kids. That's only one of the good things he's done through my pain. And I'm so thankful for what he's given me in Caleb and Bob, I can't imagine life without them.
Often God brings things into our lives that we haven't planned on. I know Bob probably didn't plan on having a fibro-ridden wife and in turn having to work for us, take care of the house, cook, and help so much with Caleb. But thankfully these are all things he assures me that he loves to do for us. (with exception of doing the dishes at times) But I think its when we have the unplanned brought into our lives when we are most out of control and most willing (or desperate) to run to God for help. Because practically speaking there's nothing left. There are many days out of a week when I just come to my end. What my heart needs to remember is what its been forgetting lately, to just run to Jesus.
I hate my disease and the daily implications of it. God never promised me an easy pain free life. But he does promise to be with me, and I really need to focus on that on days like these. So hopefully Caleb isn't scarred for life because of my limitations, though I feel like I am. But maybe healing will come some day, that would indeed be a miracle.
Posted by michellew at 03:58 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
October 28, 2004
Good days and bad days
For the past several years I've struggled off and on with what life looks like having a chronic disease. I never really figured it out, and no surprise, I still haven't. Everyday is different and I usually don't know what to expect. Somedays I push myself too hard and pay for it the next couple. But often its worth it because the days I push myself are the ones I spend with people.
Today has been a hard one. Thursdays are my "day in" unofficially. I go to the chiro on Monday, meet with a friend on Tuesday mornings, go to mom's group on Wed mornings and usually by Thursdays I need a break. I wake up knowing I have to take it easy and try to have the day go smoothly. But this morning, someone forgot to tell Caleb that its regroup day. It was a bit of a rough morning and I got frustrated with him. But after his nap things got better.
Though while he was napping my mom called. She works for a hospice program in St. Louis and told me that one of their nurses was stranded here in Chattanooga with her 3 year old son. Apparantly her car broke down on Sunday and she's been at a hotel out at hamilton place all week without a car. She called her boss in tears yesterday because she was so frustrated and lonely. So my mom wanted me to call her to see how she is.
My first reaction??? "What on my day off? No way!" Yes isn't that hospitable of me? I was so defensive, my excuses mounting up in my head, "But I'm exhausted and I'm hurting a lot today. I can't help this woman. What if I call and she wants me to come pick her up and take her somewhere? I don't want her stuck at my house when I'm not feeling good. Plus I can't even leave the house, its Thursday Mom, don't you know?" But deep down I knew that if I were the one stranded in a strange town I'd want someone to call me. Then mom said something about being Jesus to this woman. This was exactly what I did and didn't want to hear. I knew this, yet I didn't want to hear it. But the truth was that this was an opportunity to reach out to someone else, yet I was stuck hardly allowing myself to see beyond my own circumstances.
I wish I could say that once I realized these things I joyfully ran to the phone to call this woman. I did call her, but more out of guilt than out of the joy for being able to love her in her frustrating situation. As it turns out she got the bad news last night that her engine needs to be replaced. So she rented a car and drove through the evening and night to get home. She thanked me for calling and I said that I hoped her car situation would work out soon. It was such an easy thing to call her, yet my heart was so hesitant, too caught up in myself and my day to want to be bothered. Hardly ever does such an easy and obvious chance to show someone else love come into my day. I hope next time my heart won't be so rebellious to being used by God. Even if it is a bad day.
So there are good days and there are bad days, but its every day that God calls me to live as his child. Its taken many years of struggle to realize that I can't wait till I feel all better to be used of God. He wants to use me when I'm well and when I'm hurting. And to be truthful, I think its the times when I'm hurting that I see him work the most.
Posted by michellew at 04:02 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack