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January 04, 2005
Scarred for Life?
Its days like these when I'm glad that my baby really won't be scarred for life because of my impatience with pain. I'm frustrated with my daily pain. I got a Christmas letter from Dan and Kat Haase and at the bottom of it she quoted from C.S. Lewis' book The Problem of Pain. "The human spirit will not even begin to try to surrender self-will as long as all seems to be well with it...but pain insists upon being attended to." My pain is definitely insisting these days. I guess I'm just sick of it! Am I allowed to say that? I know this is a part of living in a fallen world, but I'm ready for this part of my falleness to be sanctified! I've gone through different phases the last couple of years. Anywhere from feeling depressed about it, to really seeing the good that God brings through it. I think its when I've been out on my own more and not daily surrendering to Jesus that I get down about it. I get my eyes focused only on myself and my limitations; instead of on God, who can truly do all things through me when I run to him. My heart feels stubborn though, really wanting to be able to fix myself, but that just doesn't happen, ever.
God has taught me a lot through having this disease and I know he has a lot more to teach me. Another quote Kat had in her letter from the same book was, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." God has definitely used my disease to open my ears to listen to what he wants to teach me. When I was in college I really wanted to work and couldn't see being a stay at home mom. It wasn't my desire. But when I was working at Esperanza and bearly able to keep my eyes open because of fatigue, I went home. It was such a huge adjustment for me to be home. But over that year God grew the desire in me to be home full time and have kids. That's only one of the good things he's done through my pain. And I'm so thankful for what he's given me in Caleb and Bob, I can't imagine life without them.
Often God brings things into our lives that we haven't planned on. I know Bob probably didn't plan on having a fibro-ridden wife and in turn having to work for us, take care of the house, cook, and help so much with Caleb. But thankfully these are all things he assures me that he loves to do for us. (with exception of doing the dishes at times) But I think its when we have the unplanned brought into our lives when we are most out of control and most willing (or desperate) to run to God for help. Because practically speaking there's nothing left. There are many days out of a week when I just come to my end. What my heart needs to remember is what its been forgetting lately, to just run to Jesus.
I hate my disease and the daily implications of it. God never promised me an easy pain free life. But he does promise to be with me, and I really need to focus on that on days like these. So hopefully Caleb isn't scarred for life because of my limitations, though I feel like I am. But maybe healing will come some day, that would indeed be a miracle.
Posted by michellew at January 4, 2005 03:58 PM
Comments
I am thankful to know how you are really feeling. It is difficult to always stop and truly find out as we are passing at church. I do care and look forward to the next small group meeting--whenever that is....
Posted by: amber at January 5, 2005 02:53 PM
Michelle, I don't know what to say other than I understand completely where you're coming from. I hope and pray God reveals something rich and wonderful to your heart in the midst of the pain. Sometimes a glimpse of joy can be found in the smallest thing when life gets so hard.
Caleb is going to be just fine. Kids are resilient and don't look at hardships and disabilities the same way adults do.
Posted by: Rebecca at January 6, 2005 01:12 PM
I have come to realize that I am not here to be perfect for my children, but to show them how to get back up again and how to lean on Jesus. And that most of the time it is by example. (Even if it means carrying a cross that feels too heavy to bear.) But I also know the pain of praying to God that He would protect my children from me and my falleness. A big sigh, and then trust and faith. Or as Manessah says: mama, just trust and obey and then you'll be happy in Jesus. Oh, boy!
Posted by: Sember at January 7, 2005 08:19 PM
Amber- Thanks so much for your concern. Hopefully our group will be able to meet next week.
Rebecca- Thanks for the reminder of how kids look at things so differently than adults do. Good to keep in mind in these days ahead.
Sember- From the mouth of babes! Wow what a sweet girl you have in Manessah. Thanks for your encouragement. When are we going to get another blog post from you? :)
Posted by: michellew at January 8, 2005 08:10 AM