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October 28, 2004
Good days and bad days
For the past several years I've struggled off and on with what life looks like having a chronic disease. I never really figured it out, and no surprise, I still haven't. Everyday is different and I usually don't know what to expect. Somedays I push myself too hard and pay for it the next couple. But often its worth it because the days I push myself are the ones I spend with people.
Today has been a hard one. Thursdays are my "day in" unofficially. I go to the chiro on Monday, meet with a friend on Tuesday mornings, go to mom's group on Wed mornings and usually by Thursdays I need a break. I wake up knowing I have to take it easy and try to have the day go smoothly. But this morning, someone forgot to tell Caleb that its regroup day. It was a bit of a rough morning and I got frustrated with him. But after his nap things got better.
Though while he was napping my mom called. She works for a hospice program in St. Louis and told me that one of their nurses was stranded here in Chattanooga with her 3 year old son. Apparantly her car broke down on Sunday and she's been at a hotel out at hamilton place all week without a car. She called her boss in tears yesterday because she was so frustrated and lonely. So my mom wanted me to call her to see how she is.
My first reaction??? "What on my day off? No way!" Yes isn't that hospitable of me? I was so defensive, my excuses mounting up in my head, "But I'm exhausted and I'm hurting a lot today. I can't help this woman. What if I call and she wants me to come pick her up and take her somewhere? I don't want her stuck at my house when I'm not feeling good. Plus I can't even leave the house, its Thursday Mom, don't you know?" But deep down I knew that if I were the one stranded in a strange town I'd want someone to call me. Then mom said something about being Jesus to this woman. This was exactly what I did and didn't want to hear. I knew this, yet I didn't want to hear it. But the truth was that this was an opportunity to reach out to someone else, yet I was stuck hardly allowing myself to see beyond my own circumstances.
I wish I could say that once I realized these things I joyfully ran to the phone to call this woman. I did call her, but more out of guilt than out of the joy for being able to love her in her frustrating situation. As it turns out she got the bad news last night that her engine needs to be replaced. So she rented a car and drove through the evening and night to get home. She thanked me for calling and I said that I hoped her car situation would work out soon. It was such an easy thing to call her, yet my heart was so hesitant, too caught up in myself and my day to want to be bothered. Hardly ever does such an easy and obvious chance to show someone else love come into my day. I hope next time my heart won't be so rebellious to being used by God. Even if it is a bad day.
So there are good days and there are bad days, but its every day that God calls me to live as his child. Its taken many years of struggle to realize that I can't wait till I feel all better to be used of God. He wants to use me when I'm well and when I'm hurting. And to be truthful, I think its the times when I'm hurting that I see him work the most.
Posted by michellew at October 28, 2004 04:02 PM
Comments
Michelle, I didn't realize you had your own blog! So glad to have found it. I really liked this entry. I think you summed it up well: "So there are good days and there are bad days, but its every day that God calls me to live as his child." Thank you for the reminder.
Posted by: AmyN at October 28, 2004 09:59 PM
Man, thanks so much for the entry, Michelle.
Posted by: lynnp at October 29, 2004 05:12 PM
Michelle I appreciated this entry and I like your place here. You have such a beautiful baby. One day I took pictures home from the library computer on a floppy so I could show Erik a few of your cute, little guy he hadn't seen. What a doll, can't wait to meet him. Hope you're having a good weekend. We're both praying for you.
Posted by: Gypsy at October 30, 2004 06:43 PM